So, I quit my job. I had been thinking about it for awhile, not necessarily for the best reasons. And something appeared and I jumped. On paper it made sense. I did quite a bit of complaining about the former job, and I imagine I had become a bit of a nightmare for other coworkers that did not share my vision. It’s not that I was really that difficult. In fact, I will still say they had their own issues. This is more about recognizing my own patterns.
So, I left. An opportunity popped up out of nowhere when I was most likely to take the leap. I was uneasy about it, but I followed through. Then, I found myself in a foreign environment that put me into a tailspin. It just so happens that a solar eclipse happened a week before and a lunar eclipse two days after starting the new job. I don’t usually give credence to these types of events, but I have to say I felt it in a big way. My world opened up before me. I saw the trail of decisions I had made to lead to where I was, and it was painful. Here I was feeling like I got dropped into the middle of the Atlantic in the middle of the night. Panic ensued. I slept and ate minimally, feeling to my core that my life was in some sort of danger.
Interestingly, I found myself running back to try to undo what I had just done. It is never that simple, though. Like relationships, you can’t just say ‘do-over’ and everything goes back to the way it was. I know this. More than once, I left a relationship, only to realize the grass was not greener in yonder pastures. This was a pattern that emerged into my 20s that I recognized and worked on for years into my 30s. So, here we are, and this pattern re-emerges in my work life. It is still in process and there are hints about the depth and source of the issue.
Healing is a great idea when you are in suffering or if your life is out of alignment emotionally, physically, whatever. But, beyond soothing pain and mending wounds, the potential for change is so vast, the implications of greater awareness so incomprehensible, the manner in which EVERYTHING is so interwoven that healing actually means evolving, not only the self, but the universe, and who knows what more?
So what happens when you reach the point of awareness that whispers 3am truths that threaten your very sanity? What do you do when you see the way things work within yourself and in the world in which you find yourself? When you realize that the power you hold is not understood by the greater population, and that they too have this power? Is it is simple as ranting on a blog or sharing my little anecdotes about my experiences hoping someone thinks I am not being sardonic for its own sake?
How do you tell your loved ones? How can this be expressed and heeded? How do I tell my wife that we need to remove ourselves from the nation, the planet? What do you do when it becomes so obvious that the powers-that-be hold no honor but hold all the cards in a paradigm that you cannot escape?
When I began my journey to heal myself, it was for emotional rescue and somewhat superficial qualities. I have a twisted spine and attained some emotional wounds. I wanted to fix these things. I had no idea the way in which true healing would transform me. Now, granted, I went about it in quite unconventional ways. I sought out Shamans and light-workers. I have always sensed the need for “energy” to affect real change. I have always had that inclination to step beyond the light and into unknown, reaching for mysterious, even forbidden, wisdom to balance some inequities I always felt. From spending high school lunches in the library researching occult and existential philosophy, to entering into a light-worker program with no clue as to whether it could be “real,” to endless job searching from scheme to scam, to fringe disciplines, martial arts, meditation, etc. etc.
The nature of the world is so complex and paradoxical, it defies explanation. Frequency, or the quality of energy we hold and share with those around us, is the only real currency. I say ‘real’ in the sense that it is sustainable, holistic, and promises to affect the real change in our experiences. Changing the dial changes EVERYTHING. It’s all about love. How hippy is that? But, as science may soon prove, the energy of “love” as we understand it is the highest, purest form of energy from which all others are derived.