I’ll never look at Orion the same again. Did you know I always looked to the skies when I was lost? But you were my mother, my grounding, my connection to try richness of this life. When I see your face in pictures it jars me. Brings me back to the moment.. The million moments in which I had to let go. But it was the right thing to do. To be strong to be a good son. And allow things to play out as they will. But I’ll never stop missing you. Never stop missing you.
In 2009, an artist and @TEDTalks podcaster, Candy lost her mother. So did I. It was 9 years after I died and came back to life. It was at that time 9 years before that I was able to renew my relationship with my mother and with life itself. It was shortly after the first ending of my struggle with the concept of art and expression. I saw the ultimate conclusion of the search for Art’s meaning in life itself. Art is about improving the self, about shedding the shit, expressing the rage sadness melancholy and absolute joy of the feeling of the beating heart in my chest. The anxiety and depression of former years led me to express it to understand it. And bove2k was born, without art, at least for a little while. I dove into spirit and came up for air just before my mom got REALLY sick. I found that all I had learned prepared me and my family for her beautiful passing. I felt I had found my reason for existing, at least for awhile. This changed my outlook. If nothing more, it forced me to take a hard look at those more difficult truths and high ideals I liked to hold. I learned to let go of my stories since they held and reinforced the negative patterns that shaped my life in negative ways. And it worked. I completely reinvented myself. But I still have all these memories. The life I’ve led before and after any transformation I’ve made still occurred. I just don’t have to let the craziness of my karmic and generational history define me.
I wrote that a few years back. It’s interesting putting myself back in that place. I had such a calm way about me. All the heaviness was gone. So why did I need to find more of it and bring it right back into my life again? Things have changed so much but they’re also the same. Something strange has happened and I can’t quite place it. I believe that is because it defies logic and the regular thinking of secular, three-dimensional, material life. I went through a huge process of diving deep into the mire of my soul to come out feeling purposeful and fulfilled. Then, I stepped back into my ordinary life to be caught right back up in the same stuff. Now, I was told… I should say… I was made aware that the purpose of life is to unravel the karmic and genetic predispositions we picked up or inherited along the journey of incarnating, and that we go through cycles, diving into the same stuff over and over, but digging deeper each time. Now I get it. I guess I needed to understand this a little better.
Apparently, I have taken on some stuff from my wife. To be fair, she may have done the same for me, but that may be another tale to tell. But this could very well be the biggest lesson I’ll ever learn, that this is our purpose as humans, my purpose here on earth, to process and transmute the dense muck that our loved ones cannot. I did it once with my mother. It took me 30 years, but I walked away stronger and more in tune with the song of life. And, here I am again going through the same stuff, and wallowing in it, as it were. So I must relearn what I have apparently forgotten. I will need to go around the medicine wheel again. Is it that simple? Well, it starts with an intention. What is my intention?
Strangely enough, after my mother passed I had this sense of accomplishment. I took on the generational patterns and came out on top only to find that the biggest challenge awaited…