So, I quit my job. I had been thinking about it for awhile, not necessarily for the best reasons. And something appeared and I jumped. On paper it made sense. I did quite a bit of complaining about the former job, and I imagine I had become a bit of a nightmare for other coworkers that did not share my vision. It’s not that I was really that difficult. In fact, I will still say they had their own issues. This is more about recognizing my own patterns.
So, I left. An opportunity popped up out of nowhere when I was most likely to take the leap. I was uneasy about it, but I followed through. Then, I found myself in a foreign environment that put me into a tailspin. It just so happens that a solar eclipse happened a week before and a lunar eclipse two days after starting the new job. I don’t usually give credence to these types of events, but I have to say I felt it in a big way. My world opened up before me. I saw the trail of decisions I had made to lead to where I was, and it was painful. Here I was feeling like I got dropped into the middle of the Atlantic in the middle of the night. Panic ensued. I slept and ate minimally, feeling to my core that my life was in some sort of danger.
Interestingly, I found myself running back to try to undo what I had just done. It is never that simple, though. Like relationships, you can’t just say ‘do-over’ and everything goes back to the way it was. I know this. More than once, I left a relationship, only to realize the grass was not greener in yonder pastures. This was a pattern that emerged into my 20s that I recognized and worked on for years into my 30s. So, here we are, and this pattern re-emerges in my work life. It is still in process and there are hints about the depth and source of the issue.
Healing is a great idea when you are in suffering or if your life is out of alignment emotionally, physically, whatever. But, beyond soothing pain and mending wounds, the potential for change is so vast, the implications of greater awareness so incomprehensible, the manner in which EVERYTHING is so interwoven that healing actually means evolving, not only the self, but the universe, and who knows what more?
So what happens when you reach the point of awareness that whispers 3am truths that threaten your very sanity? What do you do when you see the way things work within yourself and in the world in which you find yourself? When you realize that the power you hold is not understood by the greater population, and that they too have this power? Is it is simple as ranting on a blog or sharing my little anecdotes about my experiences hoping someone thinks I am not being sardonic for its own sake?
How do you tell your loved ones? How can this be expressed and heeded? How do I tell my wife that we need to remove ourselves from the nation, the planet? What do you do when it becomes so obvious that the powers-that-be hold no honor but hold all the cards in a paradigm that you cannot escape?
When I began my journey to heal myself, it was for emotional rescue and somewhat superficial qualities. I have a twisted spine and attained some emotional wounds. I wanted to fix these things. I had no idea the way in which true healing would transform me. Now, granted, I went about it in quite unconventional ways. I sought out Shamans and light-workers. I have always sensed the need for “energy” to affect real change. I have always had that inclination to step beyond the light and into unknown, reaching for mysterious, even forbidden, wisdom to balance some inequities I always felt. From spending high school lunches in the library researching occult and existential philosophy, to entering into a light-worker program with no clue as to whether it could be “real,” to endless job searching from scheme to scam, to fringe disciplines, martial arts, meditation, etc. etc.
The nature of the world is so complex and paradoxical, it defies explanation. Frequency, or the quality of energy we hold and share with those around us, is the only real currency. I say ‘real’ in the sense that it is sustainable, holistic, and promises to affect the real change in our experiences. Changing the dial changes EVERYTHING. It’s all about love. How hippy is that? But, as science may soon prove, the energy of “love” as we understand it is the highest, purest form of energy from which all others are derived.
I recently had a conversation with someone on Twitter about an issue that has stayed with me. I believe it is because it pulls at the core of what and who we are as humans. A connection announced she elected for a double mastectomy because of a test showing she had a high probability of getting breast cancer. This was followed by a vast number of congratulatory and supportive responses. It was nice to see how a small community can offer their support in a difficult situation. However, I could not help but offer what I learned is a controversial viewpoint. In fact, someone already had done so and was met with a disdainful, inflammatory response. I am not one to get involved in social media arguments but there was something tugged at me to voice at least the idea that there was more to the picture.
Science is a study. It is actually group of various studies that evolves as our understanding of our experience of our environment grows. Some things we “knew” 150+ years ago…
About the question of ‘are you ever done healing?’, that maybe if you continue for an indefinite amount of time working on yourself, you reach a point when you are healed. [explain the Network Wave talk at the chiropractor]
My initial response is that you only go deeper. I tend to believe that some details and traumas can be healed, but the underlying cause of disruption in the source of what we are can never be healed incarnate. The very fact of our existence in time and space is a distortion of what we truly are at the highest levels of all that “is.” The deeper we go, the more we unravel and the more we realize how deep we can go. It is inconceivable, actually. At least that how it looks from where I am standing.
The ills and issues are inherent to who we are. Each difficulty we face, whether it is a physical/medical issue or manifests emotionally, or we have “bad luck,” is a product of what make us unique in the world. We are intended to work on these things, which is why life brings them to our attention in that myriad of ways. When we explore them further, we reveal more about ourselves and the gifts we are intended to share with the rest of the world.
I’ve always been reaching for the ‘why are we here?’ and ‘what is all this time and space business?’ Metaphysics was a huge interest going back to high school. What a ride it has been.
There is a ‘once upon a time’ that quite possibly trumps all others. Maybe you’ve heard it before. It starts out with darkness, and then light. There is mention of word or void that existed previous to the light. This can be considered a human perspective, and since we are humans, it seems appropriate to be interested in human concerns. Or is it a matter of dealing with the physical universe, as in all things made of light. And what could there have been before that? Well, one perspective is the singularity of all souls in perfect unified bliss. So, if this was the case, how does anything else occur to break up this perfect bliss party?
Well, maybe its the idea of ‘what if?’ What if this is it? What if there was a way to see if this is it? What if I, as a minuscule holographic piece of this whole, could do this myself? Be my self? Be my own god? This is a call for sovereignty, no? For independence? It seems. And then there is light, space, matter, time, physical laws like gravity. And it seems there is agony in the fall. But, then there is the climb back. The journey back home.
I’ll never look at Orion the same again. Did you know I always looked to the skies when I was lost? But you were my mother, my grounding, my connection to try richness of this life. When I see your face in pictures it jars me. Brings me back to the moment.. The million moments in which I had to let go. But it was the right thing to do. To be strong to be a good son. And allow things to play out as they will. But I’ll never stop missing you. Never stop missing you.
In 2009, an artist and @TEDTalks podcaster, Candy lost her mother. So did I. It was 9 years after I died and came back to life. It was at that time 9 years before that I was able to renew my relationship with my mother and with life itself. It was shortly after the first ending of my struggle with the concept of art and expression. I saw the ultimate conclusion of the search for Art’s meaning in life itself. Art is about improving the self, about shedding the shit, expressing the rage sadness melancholy and absolute joy of the feeling of the beating heart in my chest. The anxiety and depression of former years led me to express it to understand it. And bove2k was born, without art, at least for a little while. I dove into spirit and came up for air just before my mom got REALLY sick. I found that all I had learned prepared me and my family for her beautiful passing. I felt I had found my reason for existing, at least for awhile. This changed my outlook. If nothing more, it forced me to take a hard look at those more difficult truths and high ideals I liked to hold. I learned to let go of my stories since they held and reinforced the negative patterns that shaped my life in negative ways. And it worked. I completely reinvented myself. But I still have all these memories. The life I’ve led before and after any transformation I’ve made still occurred. I just don’t have to let the craziness of my karmic and generational history define me.
I wrote that a few years back. It’s interesting putting myself back in that place. I had such a calm way about me. All the heaviness was gone. So why did I need to find more of it and bring it right back into my life again? Things have changed so much but they’re also the same. Something strange has happened and I can’t quite place it. I believe that is because it defies logic and the regular thinking of secular, three-dimensional, material life. I went through a huge process of diving deep into the mire of my soul to come out feeling purposeful and fulfilled. Then, I stepped back into my ordinary life to be caught right back up in the same stuff. Now, I was told… I should say… I was made aware that the purpose of life is to unravel the karmic and genetic predispositions we picked up or inherited along the journey of incarnating, and that we go through cycles, diving into the same stuff over and over, but digging deeper each time. Now I get it. I guess I needed to understand this a little better.
Apparently, I have taken on some stuff from my wife. To be fair, she may have done the same for me, but that may be another tale to tell. But this could very well be the biggest lesson I’ll ever learn, that this is our purpose as humans, my purpose here on earth, to process and transmute the dense muck that our loved ones cannot. I did it once with my mother. It took me 30 years, but I walked away stronger and more in tune with the song of life. And, here I am again going through the same stuff, and wallowing in it, as it were. So I must relearn what I have apparently forgotten. I will need to go around the medicine wheel again. Is it that simple? Well, it starts with an intention. What is my intention?
Strangely enough, after my mother passed I had this sense of accomplishment. I took on the generational patterns and came out on top only to find that the biggest challenge awaited…
Music has such power. I’ve always loved music in almost every form or genre for the mood that can be captured. I just put on a station that is playing a song that stirs such intense emotions in me — Yanni’s Almost a Whisper.
So paradoxical is my association of this song with a time when anxiety was in my every labored breath. I was probably in a state of panic for 6 weeks without a break. Sleep, when I was able to induce it with substances or thru sheer will, was my only break from a whirlwind of thoughts and judgments and regrets, anger, pain, emotional suffering. I was 21 years old and unable to find acceptance in the circumstances of my decisions. I had no idea what I was doing. I just wanted to pain to stop. This was one of my first real lessons in learning how to move energy within my body. It was a crash course in love, heartbreak, self-judgment and acceptance. This was induced by a relationship gone astray. I know now that the pattern was set up long before as a young child, but the catalyst was a girl.
I find it amazing that I can tap this memory in a moment through hearing a song, this delicate song with such power. At that time, I was so steeped in the most extreme dark music available, Thrash Metal, Hardcore, and Punk. How did I find my way to Yanni? Could it have been a part of me that needed to step forward and find something else? Either way, it set up a new avenue for me to find a point of focus, and eye in the storm to center myself and lead me back to stasis.
I remember it took awhile, and the major turning point was when I simply stopped and made the statement to myself that I had had enough. I sat on the couch and weeped for several hours before falling into a peaceful sleep. This pattern would still play out over and over in years to come, but this one was finally past. Oddly enough, she called me the next day. I did not understand the energetic interplay of making emotional headway and how it shapes all relationships around us. Not then, did I see how taking those steps moved those around me and with which I had strong connections. That was something I would learn later on. This was just a warm up for the turmoil that awaited in the future instances of this pattern.
I’ve spend so much time, probably my entire life, feeling things and not acknowledging them. It seems I either felt it would get me in trouble or on the wrong end of ridicule, or did not truly believe there was any worth to expressing or sharing. As I become more aware of myself and of the deeper things driving me, I see the way this kept me hidden from view. That’s how I wanted it, I guess.
What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, it is a matter of generalizing, but if I want to be more specific, I am referring to my sense of how others close to me are feeling. I’ve always had a knack for saying exactly the thing that could set someone off or set them free. As it turns out, I’ve been given the mission of helping others (and myself) communicate better and connect better on this earth, starting with my family. It makes perfect sense, actually. I’m not sure why I never put it together before.
I spent a lot of time trying to reconcile growing up in a household where my mother had a tough time handling life. She had it rough growing up with congenital depression and addiction. It probably goes back before anyone can even track. But, I remember vividly as a very young child trying to comfort my mother in the throes of her particular expressions of her family curses and being dismissed and/or lashed out upon. As I got older, that feeling of wanting to help never subsided, even to this day.
Let’s not forget that I, too, inherited these traits and had to deal with them in my own way. In teen years there was rebellion, which turned into trying to educate myself through various philosophies. I would often spend lunch hours in the school library reading anything from Thoreau and Emerson to Blavatsky and Crowley. I immersed myself in Wiccan and other occult texts and absorbed as much as possible to gain some esoteric knowledge of what the hell was the reason why I/you/we/everyone exist(s) on this planet, seemingly floating around in the vast vacuum of infinite space with no other apparent life anywhere. What’s the point of all this?
During all this I experimented with the full gamut of psychedelics. I like to think I was responsible with the way I went about it, relatively speaking. (I’m sure some of those more detailed stories will emerge in future posts for you to judge for yourself.) The truth is that experimenting with the mind and delving into darkness within the self can have its own consequences. I was lucky, and I am sure I had support from forces beyond my understanding. Many of my friends growing up fell into more addictive patterns and got into horrific accidents. And, some did not make it to middle age. The simple fact remains: our own demise is a consequence of our family history and karma getting the best of us.
As I entered my twenties, a strange thing happened. My mother found Reiki through some of the other women in the neighborhood and they started a circle that met every Wednesday. One night, she asked if I would be interested and I said, ‘yeah, of course!’ I did not know what to expect. I had no experience with the new age or self help communities at that time. I think I was about 21 years old at the time. We sat in a circle of chairs and all greeted one another. Many of these women were friends and hung out socially. Then we stood and held hands around the circle and ‘gathered up our energy.’ Everyone closed there eyes as one woman spoke softly guiding the experience. I held my mom’s hand on the right, and some guy I had never met on the left. I closed my eyes and just stood there listening, breathing, and within a minute or two I felt a sensation growing from my hands up my arms that can only be described as electricity. At first I dismissed it as if maybe I was holding my arms the wrong way, cutting off some circulation, but it grew and it was unmistakable. Ever happen to be slightly touching the metal part of an electrical plug as you plug it into the wall and makes contact? No? Try it. This was the sensation. As it grew stronger, I opened my eyes and everyone was serenely standing there in their place in the circle.
… to be continued… more on growth experiences… Four Winds, mom…
I am here to help. After half a lifetime of gathering the tools, I understand what it takes, whether the world is ready to hear it or not.
Is humanity ready for the full activation of the heart? Can we conceive of the gentle raw power we hold within us? We are the engines of creation. We hold the flame within us. Each little nudge we receive from the collective spirit brings us closer to wielding this power.
This is not the power held in high regard in our wartorn/polarized political world. This is not the power to destroy, although that potential exists. This is about sheer creation, connection and limitless knowing. Have you noticed lately that the craziness is amped up, that all things are being revealed about the nature of power as it is perceived?
I was awoken by a dream I had at 3am, again. This one was a drama about a father whose son was in the hospital waiting to be released. But there was a complication. He was having severe heart arrhythmia. This is a young child and this was not typical for this kid. A young doctor pulls the father aside when no one else is around and advises him to take a walk or ride away from the proximity of the hospital for a little while because sometimes kids pick up on the anxiety of their nervous parents and this happens. That some children have a deeper connection to their parents that can cause such a condition.
The father knew that this was possible but did not believe it was the reason in this case. The truth of it was that this child was more sensitive than even the young doctor could conceive. It turns out there was a doctor in the vicinity of the children’s ward with a real condition that he was hiding from his patients and other staff. It was just a matter of this information coming to light.
I woke up this morning with a song playing in my head—Dead Wishes by Chris Cornell. This happens from time to time, and I try to take head. Music has always been a way for me to connect with my subconscious and things considered beyond normal waking consciousness. For me, this brings up deep feelings of stagnation and imagery of the extensive field of withering vines holding all those big plans and dreams never acted upon or followed through on.
I’m in place (time) where I am putting to rest many old ideas that very much need to go. Endings can be tough, especially before there is resolution. I have a bit of conflict between my career goals and my sense of security in the world. There’s that “old money stuff”—the outdated attitudes I’ve adopted from my family—that pulls at my pant leg whenever I think about those lofty dreams. But the time for all those dreams is drawing near. I can feel it. It’s ride or die time.
I have learned, though, that for new circumstances to manifest, the old must die away to make room. There is also no way an old energy pattern can exist if a new one comes into play. So, I am working on shedding that old “stuff.” It’s a process, and this writing is part of that.
I remember as a young adolescent coming to the conclusion that I had a purpose in my family of helping my parents in some emotional capacity. I was able to see their issues (or should I say I felt them?) and I knew there was a better way. This was shut down in many capacities until much later because of the thinking of that time. But, I see my own journey of self-discovery as a product of that entire dynamic. It began in the womb, and it ended when I dropped that last rose on my mother’s coffin as my wife and I turned and walked back to the limo. There was a freedom in the sorrow, but also in the fact that I KNEW my mother moved on free from the bonds of this earth, free from some of the family patterns that plagued her ancestors for generations. I felt whole and filled with meaning and purpose.
Of course, that is just half my story. I have another parent with ancestral history to contend with. How did this slip by? Well, growing up it was obvious that my mother’s family had issues, especially considering the bond I had with my mother. All her habits and self-sabotaging as well as her parents were right out there in plain sight. The other side was a bit more complicated. They were masters of shoving the darker side of their lives into Shadow with the kind of denial and mental gymnastics that cannot be described in a single blog post. But, shortly after my mother passed on, all of this came to light and I was on a path to navigating these experiences, drudging them up in myself to deal with them head-on.
It is easy to see now in retrospect. That journey had really only begun for me when my mom passed. That experience forced me out of my 5 senses to show what is really out there. I was a baby eagle kicked from the nest and forced to learn to fly. But, learning to fly is not easy. In fact, it serves as a great metaphor, but the reality of it is that I had to drudge through some deep shit to find my way to where I am now. And I’m not done. Somewhere between pessimism and forced optimism, I have to find a way to move forward and pave the way for others.
I am sitting here with my son, as I often do when my wife is pursuing her business goals or other personal interests, thinking about what I should be doing myself. My wife and I try to be good about allowing each other the time and space to explore our individual pursuits, but I still get that feeling like I need to be doing something productive. It seems silly now as the words stare back at me.
What better way to spend my time than in the company of a two year old, so full of life lived full-on, uninhibited by all the expectations and ‘shoulds’ we are confronted with daily. If I ever needed a constant reminder to stop and just enjoy the moment, it is this beautiful soul that needs me for so many other things teaching me this most valuable lesson and others.
Over the past two years, I have had the honor of showing this little guy around the 3D world; about gravity when he was trying to sit up or walk, or when he’s climbing the highest point in the room; about dealing with emotions when a toy car doesn’t fit in the back of a truck or when confronted with a square block and a circular hole; about sharing toys with other kids or TV time with other family members; about more than can be listed here. I feel a sense of gratitude that I did not expect pre-fatherhood. I’ve always prescribed to the idea that our children are not ‘ours’ best articulated by Khalil Gibran:
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
In fact, I am sure that is where I first read about the idea. Of course, it is easy to have lofty ideals before a situation presents itself, but I truly believe in the greater picture. That greater picture involves a slow, steady evolution through the contrast of experiences each human has had and will have throughout the entirety of our history. (Hopefully, I can convey some sense of my cosmology through future posts.)
All the while, I cannot help but think of what I have given him subconsciously for good or bad. I see the my own behaviors in him at this early age. It makes me sad and a bit guilty to see him dealing with some of the same stuff I have wrestled with my whole life. I remember feeling the frustration of trying to defy gravity or other laws of physics. It hits me at my core because I see the karma trail. It explains the strange dreams I had while my wife was pregnant, of surreal imagery around passing on negative traits in a science lab to embryos in petri dishes with a great sense of fear surrounding the act.
Did my father have such dreams? Did his? Interestingly enough, I come from a long line of men who could not express themselves and had a need for keeping things buried. I imagine that was a condition of the times they lived in. Maybe we still live in those times as we see these types of structures break down before our very eyes. Even then, back when I was a child, I knew my father as a complex, sensitive person.
I can recall a great deal of the instances when I could feel the great pleasure and pride he took in showing me around, teaching me about life on planet Earth in 3D. In fact, some of my greatest wisdom comes from him, such as the importance of always being aware of your surroundings, in taking in the finer details, being present. These are my words in retrospect. He was not trained in Buddhism or any other wisdom tradition. This was raw wisdom gleaned from his own experience, and there is nothing more valuable. He is a survivor at his core, and this toughness carries its way through our family history. And, this seems to carry with it the paradox of being a male in the 21st century, of balancing masculine and feminine in contemporary culture.
Lately, I have been more conscious of some of these attributes I carry from my father, to my son, and hold within. I guess I have been trying to shed some of what I may consider old baggage from all this. There is an idea that those ‘wrongs’ we hold within us that need to be healed need to be acknowledged in order to learn and receive the gift they hold within them. This is a process of re-framing where I stand in my own genealogy, letting go of the pieces that hold me back, and finding the wisdom within the experience. Sometimes I think that this is the process and reason for life, summed up.
So, this is where I am right now, in the midst of finding my place in time and space, as a son and as a father, where I stretch across my own time line and that of my genetic and karmic arrays.
(listen to and re-read EverNote notes)
This begins an exercise in documenting some thoughts and stories. As I have come to realize that I’m undervaluing much of my past experience in starting to forge a new, more conscious future, I want to list out some important accomplishments that come to mind right now. The point of putting it online for the pubic keeps me honest. That is not to diminish the power of creative thought and imagination, but knowing it may be read puts it firmly in the objective world.
For years, I’ve been thinking about putting my thoughts into the cloud. Such a simple thing was so evasive that I allowed decades to pass. I’ve certainly had other things to keep myself busy. Being honest with myself, there is always enough time if there is enough motivation. The thing is, I’ve tended to downplay those things I do every day and forget the larger accomplishments. In my experience coming up in the world there has always been a certain mythological nobility in self-deprecation. But I’m starting to think that is nonsense.
This in no way disregards the help I have had along the way. I have so many others to thank. And, no one does anything significant on their own…
I’ve learned markup and programming languages and put them to use for many organizations, from local to Fortune 50 companies. I planned and taught classes for adults in the field of web.
I gained experience in real estate and in various areas of construction to turn an old dilapidated house into a money-making asset.
I learned to play a couple of instruments, formed and played in a few bands and continue to write and record my own music. Somewhere along the way I found both an appreciation and distaste for the music business. Before I was done, I booked cover bands for the NY Islanders and ran a DIY music club for regional and national indie rock bands.
I figured out how to overcome many of my personal limitations through the use of energy healing. Through that process and in the years that followed, I discovered some amazing aspects of the human condition and glimpsed some details about who and what I am. I found myself an angel of a woman that will continue to grow with me after too many failed relationships to count. I used my understanding of this energy work to help put my mother to rest in a way that was beautiful and sacred. I fathered a child an continue to be amazed at the little person he is growing into.
I worked until I was burnt out. I crawled out from that and learned how to lose 40+ lbs and re-think my diet entirely.
These things all had to happen before feeling an appreciation for the power of my prose and for understanding the value of expressing ideas that others may find interesting or valuable; but most importantly, leaving the results to chance, knowing deeply that chance is affected by more than simple probability, that there are deeper forces at work that I should allow to do their thing, and that I need not fully understand but trust in the intentions I set forth. I’ll elaborate on all this and more in future posts. As it turns out, I like to tell stories. I seem to have a few.